In my book, Brown Girl in the Ring, I talk, metaphorically, about a table where we can come together to share our experiences of racism in our society, whether that be conscious or unconscious.
Awareness brings understanding and choice.
Most of the people I have heard from who have read my book said they felt a sense of responsibility when they read about my experiences of racism in our society. When we feel responsible for something or someone we take care of it. This is how we build our new foundations and real community.
So, the first thing I would like to bring to the table is interracial relationships; is love enough? As a mixed-race woman and mother, sadly my answer is no.
I don’t doubt that black, white and mixed-race parents are loving, but this is not what I’m talking about. What I’m saying is that it is not enough. Mixed-raced and black children need to be supported and validated in their experiences of racism. They need to understand why this happens to them. We, as parents, also need to except that we can’t stop these things happening to our children. In a mixed-race family only one parent is black or mixed-race and experiences the same as the child. The white parent certainly loves and supports their mixed-race child, but does not have the same experiences.
Example: the mixed-race child comes home and tells the white parent that they have been followed in a shop and looked at as if they were a criminal or worse, asked to leave the shop. White parent response who loves their child and can’t imagine that anyone can behave like this towards them: “Sweet heart don’t be silly, you are just imagining it.” Or: “This is because you are beautiful.” While both of these phrases are coming from a loving place and wanting to stop the child’s pain, they are wrong and damaging to the child. This teaches the child to conform to white silence.
I remember being followed in shop when my daughter was about seven. The woman in the shop was so convinced that I was going to steal something – even though I displayed no signs of needing to steal anything – that she followed me all around the shop, even when I stopped to look at her and smile. When my daughter said: “Mummy, that lady over there put a handbag in her coat, is she stealing it?” the woman called to her colleague and told her to stop the other women and continued her close pursuit of me right out of the shop. I had to explain to my daughter why the lady had thought mummy would steal; so convinced was she that I would steal and not the white woman who did look like she needed to steal and actually did. I have also had to validate and help my daughter understand similar experiences that she had. Our young people can’t have a voice unless we give them one. Honesty and validation helps the child to understand who they are and why people behave racially.
Even as an adult I have had people tell me not to be silly, ‘it’s not like that here’; ‘we don’t see you as being different.’ I accept that this is said to try to protect me. However, this makes me feel worthless, unseen, unheard and that no one understands. To be ‘unconscious’ of the experiences of a person of colour, is to be part of racism. This is a form of colour blindness.
To be blind to our children’s racial experiences makes us part of the racism. This tells them that their experiences are not reality. This causes great confusion in the child and actually teaches them that the racism they experience is not real. We have a responsibility if we are in an interracial relationship to educate our white partners to ensure that our children of colour grow up in reality.
I would like to say that I do believe in change and believe we are in it now, making our own history. But we are not there yet. We still unfortunately have to support our children living in an unconscious or conscious racial society. We have some of the best laws in the world for racism, but without the understanding of why we need them. It’s like passing an exam that someone gave you the answers for.
Without understanding, there can be no real change.